remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
