Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
