i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
