mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I know her cup size but not her name....
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