The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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