my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
