guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
