Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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