Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
