tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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