Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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