He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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