garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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