My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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