drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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