Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
