So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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