Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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