my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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