this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
