even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
