don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
