The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
