She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize