I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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