Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
