Im at strip club and am horny
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize