I am midnight drunk by noon
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
