I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
