I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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