I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
