apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
