I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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