I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
