he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
