Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Drake has all the answers
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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