Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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