you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
