I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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