Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
