Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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