You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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