You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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