A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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