I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
His hands were made for my vagina.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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