I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
