My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
