Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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