I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
