Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
