I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
