i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Drunk is not a location!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
