The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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