Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
