I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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