She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
