Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
