i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
