I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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