What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
