i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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