I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
