I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
