Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
