PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
