She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize