Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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