Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Did I show you my penis last night?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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