News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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